http://www.witstream.com/ WitStream is your 24-hour live comedy ticker. An endless flow of up-to-the-minute comedy and commentary delivered to you in real time: what's funny about what's happening, NOW. en-us Wed, 22 May 2013 11:50:42 EDT Wed, 22 May 2013 11:50:42 EDT http://www.witstream.com/rss/ Thinkflo RSS 1.0 lisa@witstream.com hello@thinkflo.com http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/233215272/Photo_313_normal.jpg TJ Miller http://witstream.com/1qpprbnw8mip Every so often when I want to have an argument I call the tow truck/locksmith when my convertible top is down. Sat, 28 Jul 2012 15:13:23 EDT http://witstream.com/1qpprbnw8mip http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/890366092/n31883_33925212_8870_normal.jpg Megan Amram http://witstream.com/1qpowowyyku8 SCHINDLER'S LIST IS PEOPLE Sat, 28 Jul 2012 15:03:50 EDT http://witstream.com/1qpowowyyku8 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3439788158/ed951ec542b7a5d85d2e8f11bf543399_normal.jpeg John Mike Patrick http://witstream.com/1qpojzcqk83k I'd be the world's fastest cycler if the other riders were trying to tell me movie spoilers. Sat, 28 Jul 2012 14:59:53 EDT http://witstream.com/1qpojzcqk83k http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3506230068/eb4f8108ee95a18370da40aa0d12f228_normal.jpeg Abbi Crutchfield http://witstream.com/1qphrk38pm2o Everything at my mom's house has a trick to it. Sat, 28 Jul 2012 13:43:46 EDT http://witstream.com/1qphrk38pm2o http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1237861924/photo_normal.JPG Bridey Elliott http://witstream.com/1qphh234v5z4 Excuse me. I need to use the restroom and someday I should work out my abs. Sat, 28 Jul 2012 13:40:30 EDT http://witstream.com/1qphh234v5z4 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3629123667/642ec940f4ef3b76ad50c19c0e23542e_normal.jpeg Sammy Rhodes http://witstream.com/1qphfhafhfk0 I hope these donuts were locally grown. Sat, 28 Jul 2012 13:40:00 EDT http://witstream.com/1qphfhafhfk0 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3138376092/f2cccf46945e631b01817c39a8dece2f_normal.jpeg Danny Zuker http://witstream.com/1qph5gdy49og England continues to lead America in crazy squiggly white traffic lines painted on roads. #Olympics #BikeRace Sat, 28 Jul 2012 13:36:53 EDT http://witstream.com/1qph5gdy49og http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1200206892/mark-normand-web4072_normal.jpg Mark Normand http://witstream.com/1qpfntn0jrwh Me and the girlfriend like to role-play. She plays the cop and I play the guy who can't get an erection. Sat, 28 Jul 2012 13:20:11 EDT http://witstream.com/1qpfntn0jrwh http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1733645989/Handsome_McSexy_normal.jpg Guy Endore-Kaiser http://witstream.com/1qpenmufinsw Sometimes we are pretty creative as a nation, and then other times we name the giant white house, ‘The White House’. Sat, 28 Jul 2012 13:08:55 EDT http://witstream.com/1qpenmufinsw http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/82381602/catonhead_normal.jpeg Rex Huppke http://witstream.com/1qpc89bp43k2 The guys in my motorcycle gang hate it when I suggest we all go out for fro-yo. :( Sat, 28 Jul 2012 12:41:42 EDT http://witstream.com/1qpc89bp43k2 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3342434943/542d15caf716a159e0246f2f3bb74483_normal.jpeg Josh Gondelman http://witstream.com/1qpbumnyn3ls No matter how sensually I play this tuba, ladies still flock to my band's lead singer. Sat, 28 Jul 2012 12:37:28 EDT http://witstream.com/1qpbumnyn3ls http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1722980077/image_normal.jpg Julian McCullough http://witstream.com/1knv3qkpldds I'm just gonna get LV tattooed under my eyes so they at least look like designer bags. Mon, 28 May 2012 13:56:33 EDT http://witstream.com/1knv3qkpldds http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/293909760/frowsy_normal.jpg Aparna Nancherla http://witstream.com/1knurcn15t6p Are tranquilizer darts filled with Cinnabons? Because that would work also. Mon, 28 May 2012 13:52:42 EDT http://witstream.com/1knurcn15t6p http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3138376092/f2cccf46945e631b01817c39a8dece2f_normal.jpeg Danny Zuker http://witstream.com/1knt9w9crh8i Having seen myself naked it's hard 2 believe that my wife wouldn't feel just a little relieved if I cheated on her once in a while. Mon, 28 May 2012 13:36:03 EDT http://witstream.com/1knt9w9crh8i http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/829665858/l_7cc014e068e345b2e228df12eb73454c_normal.jpg Jared Moskowitz http://witstream.com/1knt0boh0cg0 While you're enjoying your BBQ on the beach today, remember Willow and Jaden Smith are doing donuts on their Sea doos so you don't have to. Mon, 28 May 2012 13:33:04 EDT http://witstream.com/1knt0boh0cg0 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/935659475/me_again2_normal.jpg Julius Sharpe http://witstream.com/1knsszybxyio I think I would have enjoyed the 1970s because it was acceptable to call pretty much any woman ˝Mama˝. Mon, 28 May 2012 13:30:47 EDT http://witstream.com/1knsszybxyio http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3629282425/67a3eee1e7ad3187f29e2d041dfac415_normal.jpeg Ken Jennings http://witstream.com/1knqxmg4dl34 When I run the media, ˝blue˝ and ˝red˝ states will be renamed ˝Crate & Barrel˝ and ˝Cracker Barrel˝ states. Mon, 28 May 2012 13:09:49 EDT http://witstream.com/1knqxmg4dl34 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/82381602/catonhead_normal.jpeg Rex Huppke http://witstream.com/1knpk75unfgg ˝Car goes up, car goes down, car goes up, car goes down. I love America.˝ - Mitt Romney, celebrating Memorial Day with his car elevator Mon, 28 May 2012 12:54:25 EDT http://witstream.com/1knpk75unfgg http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1312129562/this_is_as_big_as_it_gets-_normal.png Matt Watson http://witstream.com/1knp5b4h2mm8 A friendly reminder to stay sober today to help avoid horrible boating accidents starring Liam Neeson and Rhianna. Mon, 28 May 2012 12:49:47 EDT http://witstream.com/1knp5b4h2mm8 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3130247556/3791d4eb2f5da116682883dfd9fee9b1_normal.jpeg Alex Baze http://witstream.com/1knogs5dpgcg My favorite disparity is the one between who's at the beach in movies and who's at the beach in real life. Mon, 28 May 2012 12:42:09 EDT http://witstream.com/1knogs5dpgcg http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1690696372/hollywoodfire_normal.jpg Will Phillips http://witstream.com/1knna5isxybk Carnivals are like flypaper for white trash. Mon, 28 May 2012 12:28:52 EDT http://witstream.com/1knna5isxybk http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1237861924/photo_normal.JPG Bridey Elliott http://witstream.com/1knkxitdfg1u What's my oral surgeon even gonna do with wisdom teeth once they're out? Put them up his nose and butt?! I'm nervous. Mon, 28 May 2012 12:02:31 EDT http://witstream.com/1knkxitdfg1u http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1218650809/lightroomed_normal.jpg Avery Edison http://witstream.com/1kng4sawywap Wanted: Someone to reach into my chest, dig their fingers into my heart, and pull out the darkness within me. WHITES ONLY. Mon, 28 May 2012 11:08:44 EDT http://witstream.com/1kng4sawywap http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3604982285/39490b1c9f4ac2018d6ba3ec7b0339d0_normal.jpeg Bob Powers http://witstream.com/1knfa65htwqo Favorite Beach House song: ˝Rental Agreement.˝ 2nd fave: ˝Flip Flops.˝ 3rd: ˝Don't Track Sand In The House!˝ 4th: ˝I Want A Coppertone Tan.˝ Mon, 28 May 2012 10:59:12 EDT http://witstream.com/1knfa65htwqo http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3445793183/7e5e38c6bf6afe39e7eaaa93b790f319_normal.jpeg Morgan Murphy http://witstream.com/1kn6ba3bqqkh five minutes into this flight and something worse than a crying baby is happening behind me: a whole row has become best friends. Mon, 28 May 2012 9:18:39 EDT http://witstream.com/1kn6ba3bqqkh http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2875531817/888b78fd44f118091e4a5ab739580093_normal.jpeg Josh Fadem http://witstream.com/1kmoqavujym9 Just much more fun to call her Dame Doodee Dench. Mon, 28 May 2012 6:01:33 EDT http://witstream.com/1kmoqavujym9 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2791960682/83732fa0eb14d77700fba0e19e039c74_normal.jpeg Louis Peitzman http://witstream.com/1km9l5ew1z41 We don't like to think about it, but Clint Eastwood is probably pretty gassy. Mon, 28 May 2012 3:11:48 EDT http://witstream.com/1km9l5ew1z41 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3655977928/877b5e92a134a7f0c39d75aec8b15ddb_normal.png Steve Huff http://witstream.com/1klxs4ucl4w0 I guess Fat Albert was a much less cheerful show after he lost his feet to the diabetes. Mon, 28 May 2012 0:59:27 EDT http://witstream.com/1klxs4ucl4w0 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/421599559/twitterlouisnew_normal.jpg Louis Virtel http://witstream.com/1kltk4devrpc I want Urkel to be a detective in a mystery series called ˝Did YOU Do That?˝ Mon, 28 May 2012 0:12:07 EDT http://witstream.com/1kltk4devrpc http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1314621594/AAAAAmPcieIAAAAAAHZgbA_normal.jpg Mark Leggett http://witstream.com/1klt8wwrszy8 I feel like I don't even know what is and isn't ˝so Raven˝ anymore. Mon, 28 May 2012 0:08:37 EDT http://witstream.com/1klt8wwrszy8 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1344521848/scottphotobooth_normal.jpg Scott Chernoff http://witstream.com/1klt0pi43cw0 It's Memorial Day Eve, the night when, as children slumber, their house is visited by enchanted Vietnam veterans bearing gifts of despair. Mon, 28 May 2012 0:06:04 EDT http://witstream.com/1klt0pi43cw0 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3562929709/bd6eddb33d1a380e3a2751fdc0d1f7d0_normal.jpeg Rachel Hastings http://witstream.com/1kk4610r7r41 Last night I realized that I'm much more concerned about Bill Murray's mortality than my own. Sun, 27 May 2012 12:43:54 EDT http://witstream.com/1kk4610r7r41 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2971531340/c4a163f46942c0b972fcf609d0d184a9_normal.jpeg Alex Blagg http://witstream.com/1ki2kgbmob28 Cute little neighborhood kids are tent-camping in their yard. Gonna put on lipstick and go scare the bejeezus out of them later. Sat, 26 May 2012 22:58:51 EDT http://witstream.com/1ki2kgbmob28 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1296496922/joy_normal.JPG Joy Plaza http://witstream.com/1ji0mk70cef4 don't worry pills, pretty confident i won't be operating heavy machinery in the next 4 to 6 hundred years. Wed, 16 May 2012 20:28:49 EDT http://witstream.com/1ji0mk70cef4 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2431163586/image_normal.jpg Ed Galvez http://witstream.com/1jhz5py7jo5d Cake is just a word for a D-Cupcake. Wed, 16 May 2012 20:12:22 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhz5py7jo5d http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2839493581/04a1ba22d077ab0144aae7e14092c420_normal.png Billy Eichner http://witstream.com/1jhz2vza9ssg If someone was holding a gun to my head, the first thing I'd do is say ˝Wow, I was not expecting this from Colin Firth.˝ Wed, 16 May 2012 20:11:29 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhz2vza9ssg http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2958938271/90d43313b6cd1a8bf2892229a27644a5_normal.jpeg Braden Graeber http://witstream.com/1jhwr776lxq9 Put two giant googly eyes on some cotton candy and tell me it doesn't look exactly like Nicki Minaj. Wed, 16 May 2012 19:45:25 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhwr776lxq9 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1720156026/IMG_1774_normal.jpg Hampton Yount http://witstream.com/1jhujno6jgg0 It's funny how they always seem to kill a pig just as he was about to eat an apple. Wed, 16 May 2012 19:20:39 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhujno6jgg0 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3629282425/67a3eee1e7ad3187f29e2d041dfac415_normal.jpeg Ken Jennings http://witstream.com/1jhtj5z6z3sw When I can't remember which actor was in some movie, I do what you do: write a letter to the celeb column in PARADE magazine & wait 3 months Wed, 16 May 2012 19:09:18 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhtj5z6z3sw http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2446526200/image_normal.jpg Sarah Thyre http://witstream.com/1jhp8gvh6fb5 I can tell when a psychic is bogus because they don't even know I'm just gonna throw away that card they leave on my windshield. Wed, 16 May 2012 18:21:07 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhp8gvh6fb5 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3342434943/542d15caf716a159e0246f2f3bb74483_normal.jpeg Josh Gondelman http://witstream.com/1jhnqr5dg8hs If your girlfriend covers your eyes and says: ˝Guess who!˝ She will not laugh if you say: ˝That hot bartender with the tattoos?˝ Wed, 16 May 2012 18:04:24 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhnqr5dg8hs http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3195689218/d3af6cafa8b4b58a4d71ac0127c2b364_normal.jpeg Rachel Lichtman http://witstream.com/1jhnetqztse9 Went shopping yesterday. Apparently the hot look for men this season is ˝mean preppie guy from Ski School 2˝. Wed, 16 May 2012 18:00:41 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhnetqztse9 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1590038887/IMG_0423_normal.JPG Matt Roller http://witstream.com/1jhmeuxnmi2o Just to be clear, am I being arrested for putting a gun in the Chuck E. Cheese prize booth, or for only charging 500 tickets for it? Wed, 16 May 2012 17:49:29 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhmeuxnmi2o http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3406575187/d49079a7e4e0c022e10f556d6e20ecb2_normal.jpeg Kelly Oxford http://witstream.com/1jhlnaoqnqio It may sound fancy, but ANY room can be a masturbatorium. Wed, 16 May 2012 17:40:54 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhlnaoqnqio http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2326163370/v0r10e2nndcbqp4d45gj_normal.jpeg Henry Phillips http://witstream.com/1jhi6yxdehaa When you criticize others, you're only pointing out your own flaws. Choke on that you lazy Cheetos-eating chronic masturbaters. Wed, 16 May 2012 17:02:11 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhi6yxdehaa http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/54201108/Apocalypse-How_normal.jpg Rob Kutner http://witstream.com/1jhi64kzsv7k Probably the worst lie on the Yahoo! CEO's resume was where he listed his title as ˝CEO of Google˝ Wed, 16 May 2012 17:01:55 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhi64kzsv7k http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3586315039/ae13fea66751df373c7c4a1349e17cb6_normal.jpeg Matt Koff http://witstream.com/1jhi4c5j34e8 My good deed for the day: told my paraplegic neighbor to ˝get well soon.˝ Wed, 16 May 2012 17:01:22 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhi4c5j34e8 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2549040741/rhwltbkmbixao96s38ei_normal.png Kumail Nanjiani http://witstream.com/1jhhj5kn13ph Did The Raven w John Cusack feature the line ˝Somebody needs to call the Edgar Allan Poe-lice˝? If so I've made a huge mistake skipping it. Wed, 16 May 2012 16:54:46 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhhj5kn13ph http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2850153448/ce4dab601875613ed20dd12e84e78c8a_normal.jpeg Shane Nickerson http://witstream.com/1jhh0dhsvyf4 Talk to your doctor to see if Favstar is right for you. Wed, 16 May 2012 16:48:55 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhh0dhsvyf4 http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1720156026/IMG_1774_normal.jpg Hampton Yount http://witstream.com/1jhgkk3559fl I've been pitching my new sitcom idea, it's called ˝Nothing In Common˝. It's about the rapper Common will not allow anything into his anus. Wed, 16 May 2012 16:44:00 EDT http://witstream.com/1jhgkk3559fl